People are often surprised to learn that I, Brian Phillips, like to spend time with celebrities in glamorous situations and settings. “But Brian,” they exclaim, eyes wide on the straws of their Frappuccini, “you’re a serious writer! How can you waste your time with all that garbage?”
My answer is always the same. “Look,” I said with a small smile, “if Thomas Mann could write Doctor Faustus in Pacific Palisades without even getting a tan, there’s no reason I can’t… something something something“I kind of mumbled that last part into my drink. It’s a trick I picked up from Kirsten Dunst.
Case in point: Last night I went to a screening of the novel The X-Files series at The London, an exclusive Hollywood hotel. Glen Morgan was there. Glen Morgan is a guy I like to call “a producer of The X-Files, a television series that aired on Fox between 1993 and 2002, starring David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson. In fact, it is not small. It’s not huge, but it has some mass on it. If I had to use one word to describe Glen Morgan’s physical stature, it would be “average.” There are many different sizes of people in the world, and that guy is one of the normal ones.
Afterwards, there were cocktails.
Say what you will about Hollywood, but it was a fascinating experience. My serious writer brain was fully engaged with learning about things like the meaning of America and also what is up with Mulder and Scully these days. In the most important and deepest sense, I know both, now. I would like to share this knowledge with you. However, I can’t. Because of spoilers. Ever since George RR Martin let me slip in confidence that Tyrion was murdering Daenerys at the end of the last book, I’ve been afraid of accidentally revealing a major spoiler on the internet. Also, the PR flack who greeted me in the screening room explained that she would “cut (my) dick” if I “breathe(d) a word about any of this, you (extremely handsome man).”
Like I said, I love hanging out with celebrities.
What i can I say it is it is not it happens in the new The X-Files. So many things don’t happen! And each new non-development is more shocking than the last. Without further ado, here’s a breakdown of the most exciting The X-Files plot developments that do not exist and will never exist.
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Rommel Demano/WireImage David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson in New York in October 2013.
1. Mulder doesn’t ask for another caipirinha and then says, “Huh. I like that word. caipirinha. “
2. The man who smokes cigarettes never sits up in bed while saying, “Jesus, Velazquez, when is no time to take out the recycling? to the alien locked next to him.
3. Scully absolutely does not order any trays on the Internet.
4. At the end of a dark alley, where the light of a lone lamp shines on the rain slick floor, Scully doesn’t find a pop-up taqueria where this guy Jonathan makes churros.
5. I could say that this series explores the politics of mulch production, but I’d be lying, because that’s another thing that doesn’t happen.
6. Mulder looks out a window at the US Capitol building and whispers, “Monsters, huh. I don’t think I get it.”
7. You know who else doesn’t? Someone.
8. Mulder simply never booked a trip to Africa on the grounds that “only hippos feel like an X-File.”
9. At any time, it is not overlooked that Assistant Director of the FBI Walter Skinner is joining Kickstarter to seek funding for his “elegantly bound humanization” of Infocom. Skin goddesses of Phobos.
10. The word “copyleft” – which is not thrown around much.
11. Jonathan, who doesn’t make churros, doesn’t tell Scully that “it’s about the cinnamon” and then snorts, “I said too much,” and then gets shot in the head by a Venus sniper.
12. Mulder and Scully don’t stumble upon a mysterious white building in the middle of a cinnamon field where white-faced workers in white Hazmat suits seem to be processing the cinnamon, but also doing something else. .
13. Deep Throat doesn’t come back from the dead and yells, “Surprise, friends! It’s me, Deep Throat!”
14. There is never a day, in the entire timeline of the new series, when the members of the conspiracy openly confessed that they would make a crappy baseball team.
15. You may have read speculation in online forums that Scully’s apartment looks a little light on the trays. I don’t know what to tell you; she doesn’t buy new ones.
16. The camera slowly zooms in on the cancer-eating mutant, Leonard Betts, as he takes a long, lush lick of a Friendly’s ice cream cone, then continues to zoom in, closer and closer, to his crazy, dead self. eyes, as he mutters, “This tastes bad.”
17. “That’s right: I said ice cream tastes gross compared to cancer,” Betts added. “Rest your mouth what you doice cream Twitter.
18. Mulder doesn’t throw a balloon through a tire swing in extreme slow motion as a gravelly, no-nonsense male voiceover breaks down his mechanics.
19. I don’t want to be overly specific about how Scully’s Java classes are passed, but suffice it to say that it doesn’t take any.
20. Scully’s daughter, Emily, died in Season 5. In the new series, Emily doesn’t go to prom, she doesn’t have two dates, and her two dates aren’t twins of the strict gentlemen portrayed by Kelsey grammar.
21. “Screw UFOs,” the man smoking a cigarette doesn’t say on a speedboat. So he indeed she doesn’t run her fingers through her hair and shout, “I have lion braids!”
22. Scully doesn’t write to her friend Allison that the man who smokes cigarettes is “some kind of fuckboy tbqh.”
23. Okay, let’s talk about vaping. I shouldn’t, but I know you have questions. I’m not saying that Smezznor, the alien lord of the Milky Way created when Samantha Mulder’s genes were spliced into Alex Krycek, doesn’t vape. I i am saying that Smezznor, the king of the galaxy vaping compulsively is a stupid idea and that it does not exist.
24. The trail of the cinnamon conspiracy doesn’t lead Mulder and Scully to a bombed-out mosque in Tangier, where Mulder doesn’t take a break from the investigation to loudly rap all of Big Sean’s lines.”Dance (A$$). “
25. Many fans of the show wonder what has become of the beloved The X-Files mainstay Peggy Little, Skinner’s long-suffering secretary. joke In fact, no one asks, because there is no such character.
26. “Did you see this, Mulder?” Scully doesn’t whisper as she presses play on the latest YouTube video about a funny octopus. “This octopus is scary me.”
27. If Scully comes out a Muppet – I say if here – and if that Muppet is Dr. Teeth, his third date is not at the international aikido championships.
28. Alfred Hitchcock does not direct episodes (Alfred Hitchcock is dead).
29. No one, including Luther Lee Boggs, the serial killer who terrorized Scully in the classic episode “Beyond the Sea,” gives Scully some gift trays.
30. Mulder’s book club doesn’t read The time traveler’s wife – or yes, Mulder does not finish the novel.
31. Did you know that Grantland has boarding schools? We do, and they do a fantastic job. Hello guys! Just not awesome enough for any of them to show up The X-Files.
32. Likewise, Your Own Mother does not portray former FBI special agent Dana Scully, the series’ co-star. Unless your mother is Gillian Anderson… in which case, to give a damn, but you could you want to tune in for the premiere.
33. “Uber, but for alien invasions,” Mulder didn’t tweet, biting his fist in shame.
34. Literally zero subplots involve a quest to find a new tour bus for Stephen Malkmus and the Jicks.
35. The following exchange is not done at all:
MULDER: Here we are in Las Vegas, Scully.
SCULLY: Hahaha looks like Vancouver though?
MULDER: No, Scully, this is Las Vegas, Nevada, where we’ve been staying to solve an X-File.
SCULLY: I’m just saying, are there supposed to be, like, pine trees in Las Vegas?
MULDER: Scully!
SCULLY: It’s just that I don’t usually think of “silent forest majesty” when I think of Vegas.
MULDER: Why do you keep ruining it, Scully.
36. Mulder never once introduces himself as “Fox Mulder, inveterate interpreter of beings and their ways.”
37. Seventeen minutes of the third episode of the new series are not devoted to static footage of the table aisle at Target.
38. The Well Manicured Man does not feature his two new co-conspirators, the Expensive Order Basketball Sneakers On eBay Man and Josh Who Is Still Into Normcore.
39. No one swims 1,100 kilometers in freezing water just to punch a whale. That’s not what this show is about.
40. The following exchange has not yet taken place:
SCULLY: Well, Mulder, it doesn’t take a semanticist to see that the underlying tension in progressive online discourse is that its commitment to the sanctity of the individual person involves placing ever greater stress on all the ways in which that holiness can be. violated … the problem is that we live in a moment in which a heightened sense of the value of the individual threatens to produce a correspondingly heightened sense of the essential weakness of the individual.
MULDER: I hate to disagree with you, Scully, but the problem is magical tarantulas.
41. Mulder doesn’t conclude a long reading of his memoirs by saying, “And that, my friends, was how I first logged into Remodelista.”
42. Mulder and Scully don’t interrupt sex to high-five after one of them drops an “uh-oh, now the truth is out there” joke.
43. Mulder and Scully don’t spend three hours talking about whether “Balerion the Black Dread” is a great name for a dragon, a super-cliché name for a dragon, or oddly enough both.
44. Deep Throat’s reanimated corpse doesn’t say, “Friends, I have a craving for one thing and one thing only, and that thing is AM Crunchwraps.”
45. In Antarctica, where they finally discovered the secret military installation where cinnamon spliced into the alien genome was harvested – cinnamon that cannot be processed for more than a few seconds without causing death to non-mutated humans or “pre-transcendent” – Mulder and Scully do not realize with growing despair that the world is doomed because they have no way to bring the cinnamon to the laboratory where it can be destroyed, because Scully had to get some new trays, but, oh, it looks like someone. forgot
46. Mulder did not audition for, and did not win, the role of Mrs. Fairfax in a community theater adaptation of Jane Eyre.
47. “It was a throbbing night on Phobos, and the trees were foaming in the starlight,” is how Walter Skinner’s Kickstarter novel absolutely does not begin.
48. Samantha Mulder doesn’t return from a longer-than-expected trip to the store and says, “Wait, you thought what you do?”
49. “I will change the name in Area 52,” the First Elder refuses to proclaim, adding, “It is time to raise this foreign action to a point.”
50. The conspiracy does not begin to make sense.
